I haven't felt so humiliated in years as I was tonight. It seemed like a complete disaster and I feel like a total fool. I don't even want to say what happened because it makes me feel like such a huge loser. But safe to say I'm wallowing in self-pity and any confidence I had in myself is G-O-N-E. I can't even believe it turned out this way. I forgot why I never threw myself a birthday party, but I was reminded why tonight, and I will NEVER throw myself one again. I feel like the most unlovable person in the world right now... It's not often I get depressed and woe-is-me, but I guess even I get a little emo at times. I think it's warranted after what happened tonight, though.

I suppose I should just go ahead and say it, but I feel so embarrassed by this. I tried to throw a birthday bash for myself and no one came. Not one person. That's rejection at its hardest. I hate even owning up to this, but I suppose I should let close friends know what's going on and why I'm feeling the way I feel. I can't believe I was so rejected. By everyone. I gave everyone three weeks' notice so they could make necessary arrangements to get off work or get child care plans situated in advance. And I also sent out reminders so people wouldn't forget. Everyone slowly started coming up with excuses from, "I thought it was Friday, not Saturday. I guess I can't come" to "I would, but I don't have a ride there." And more recently, "I didn't know my uncle was coming to town. Sorry, I have to stay home and spend time with him." One person even got "suckered into working" (her words) even though I gave her three weeks' ahead notice to avoid exactly this problem. At what point does it stop becoming a bummer and start becoming downright "no one wants to see me"?

Five or six people, I could understand, but every single person out of about 27 people didn't show up. I am mortified. That's just about a party-thrower's worst possible fear. It's equivalent of being picked last for a soccer team. I feel totally unconfident and like hiding under a rock now, which is something I haven't felt in a long time. Even people I haven't seen in six years couldn't manage to find the time on ONE NIGHT, for a FEW HOURS to spend a little time with me. Talk is cheap, but their actions have made it clear I'm lame beyond words. It is especially depressing because I tried to be a good host and a good friend. I took every liberty I could to arrange this for the comfort of my guests. I scheduled it around everyone's needs, made sure I gave them plenty of notice, and sent reminders. I also encouraged them to bring friends and family. I wanted a lot of people to show up. I made every possible effort to make my guests feel welcomed. I got the opposite.

I try to be optimistic, but when one thing after another turns into a disaster, I can't keep my chin up any more. There are a lot of little details I'm leaving out that make the whole thing even fishier, but I just can't get into those right now. I don't feel like ever showing my face to any one of them ever again. I'm off for a cry, now.

Some 24th birthday this is going to be.